I have a regret

No one knows how to react when their child dies suddenly.  You don’t prepare for it…because you never expect it to happen to you.  You don’t think about it and plan out the details…your mind never wants to go there…to that place…because it is too horrific to even imagine.  I wasn’t prepared…I didn’t know what to do…how to act…what to feel.  But several days after she was gone…when I came out of the immediate shock of it…I had a regret…of what I didn’t do.  I can’t go back and fix it…I wish I could turn back time.  Of course I wish it never happened and I could change it… that she was still here, laughing and smiling.  But my regret is I didn’t hold her in my arms after she passed from this life.

Lauren202

Oh I hugged her in the hospital bed…but I didn’t hold her because of all the machines and tubes…I didn’t want to accidentally disconnect anything.  I did rub her arms, hands, legs and feet…trying to stimulate her and just to touch her.  I talked to her…cried to her…begged her to wake up.  I kissed her hands…her arms…her face…and her lips.

Lauren216

After she was gone the nurse asked us to step out of the room for just a bit.   They unhooked her from the medicine…the heart monitor…the respirator…pulled the tube from her punctured lung and wiped the little amount of blood from her ears…and her mouth…where she had bitten her tongue in the wreck.  Then they let us all back in…they had covered her up with the sheet.  We uncovered her…to look at her face…to touch her and kiss her one last time….to try to get a grasp on the fact she was gone…it looked like she was just sleeping.  As the rest of the family left the room and it was just Bryan and I waiting on the funeral home to come and get her…we covered her face again…it was as if we did, then it wouldn’t be her under there…then uncovered her…back and forth several times…in our state of shock…trying to soak it in…to understand what was happening…it just didn’t seem real.  We did kiss her and touch her…but my regret is I didn’t hold her in my arms…one last time…like I held her when she come into this world.  It still bothers me…4 years later…I still cry and wish I would have thought to hold her…but you never plan for your child’s death.

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8 thoughts on “I have a regret

  1. Suzanne
    Thank you for your courage in both writing and sharing your burden in feeling you are sad your omitted hugging Lauren “one last time”. It seems you did “the very best you could”, being in a state of shock. Please, dear friend, do not “put yourself down”. You and Bryan have given such effort to effectively encourage others to remember Lauren’s special life. I trust/pray you, dear friend, can come to forgive yourself for this omission that, at this time, is so grievous to you. In Christ’s hope, grannie joy

  2. Dearest Suzanne,
    Our hearts ache with you and for you….thank you for sharing your gutwretching heartache, we all have the potential to be blessed by your courage to share your regret…I believe God will use your courageous words to help us all one day when we are faced with our greatest of heart aches…may your tender loving words ring in our hearts and protect us from the same regret…Thank you for your courage to share you heart…
    Please know you, Bryan, Taylor and family remain in our loving thoughts, prayers and deepest and most heartfelt sympathy always…
    with love always,
    laura and brent

  3. Thanks Granny Joy and Laura…the love, support and prayers from you both over the years have sustained us. I do write my thoughts…some times for others to understand and some times to help heal a wound I have…tears can be cleansing too.

    Love you both, Suzanne

  4. I just love you, and my heart breaks anew for you. I can’t say anything that will matter. I just love you. And I hurt for you.

  5. Thank you. I’m hugging my son like never before. He thinks I’ve lost my mind but I don’t care. Besides me, I’m hugging him for you too. Love you cousin. Steve Jr.

  6. OH MY GOD SUZANNE I HAVE FELT THE SAME SAME SAME WAY FOR ALMOST 6 YRS NOW….. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HAVE WRITTEN MY SAME TEARS & REGRETS THROUGH OUT THE YEARS…. EVERY DAY EVERY DAY MY SWEET NOEL CHRISTINA MOSS SEPT. 23, 1980 – JUNE 26, 2008 LOVE YOU SUZANNE & BRYAN & FAMILY

    • I WAS AFRAID TO HOLD HER IN MY ARMS !!!! THE NURSES KEPT TELLING ME SHE WAS LYING IN A POOL OF BLOOD AND ALL THE TUBES & EQUIPMENT AROUND HER…… I AM SO SOOOOOORY I DIDN’T HOLD MY BABY …. SORRY FOR YOU PAIN & TEARS AS WELL SUZANNE & BRYAN XO XO XO XO TO OUR DARLINGS NOEL& LAUREN IN HEAVEN !!!!! ALMOST IN OUR ARMS AGAIN

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